"I think I blundered the apology by going on about it too much."View Entire Post ›
If you enjoy the column below, please subscribe to my newsletter! You'll get each new issue in your inbox for free. I love having new email friends. Let's open your letters!
Dear Stephen,
I mixed up which Spanish-speaking South American country my colleague was from…twice. The first time was very soon after meeting him, and somehow after that I managed to get the wrong country stuck in my head. It’s been months and we’ve had many, many conversations since, including several where he referenced his country.
Somehow I still mixed it up again recently and asked about the progress of the wrong World Cup team. I think I blundered the apology by going on about it too much. I know I need to really make sure I remember the correct country, but is there anything else I can do here? I’ve made similar mistakes before (I have an Austrian friend I kept calling German) but it feels more charged in this case and hard to navigate given it’s a colleague.
-Cringing Coworker
Dear Cringing Coworker,
This was my experience reading your letter for the first time:
YOU: “I think I blundered the apology…”
ME: Then you should apologize again.
YOU: “...by going on about it too much.”
ME: Never mind.
For your coworker’s sake, I’d leave it at one genuine, if rambling, apology. Further conversations about this will only put your coworker in the position of having to manage your embarrassment and assure you that you are fine. Consider it your small penance that you are going to wince every time you think about that exchange for the foreseeable future — a sentence that everyone serves at some point in their life.
As for an actionable thing you can do, I have one suggestion: Research the two countries you’ve been mixing up! You’re not expected to be an expert on all 195 countries on the planet. But since this particular gap in your knowledge has now caused two awkward moments, I think it’s time for a Wikipedia deep dive. What parts of these two cultures are shared, and what makes them unique? Can you point to both places on a map? Try to actually understand where your coworker is from rather than memorizing it by rote. I suspect that will end the mixups.
Stephen, please,
I have a great friend (let’s call him Lionel) who I’ve become close to over the past year. I have recently started hanging out more with both Lionel and his partner (let’s call him Tiger), however, I don’t feel as comfortable with or close to Tiger. I would like to be able to still spend time 1:1 with Lionel but now that Tiger has been included more often I feel bad asking only Lionel to hang out.
How would you navigate keeping the friendship a little more separate while still staying on good terms with both?
-Three's A Crowd
Dear Three's A Crowd,
Straight people have a convenient way to do this: “Let’s have a girl’s night!” is a very polite way of telling your friend to leave her boyfriend at home. You can’t divide along gendered lines with a gay couple, of course, but I think there are still some tactful ways to request time with just Lionel. I'll give you five ways in:
1. “My social battery is low today. Would you be down for a 1:1 hang?”
2. “I need to vent about some personal stuff tonight. Mind if it’s just us?”
3. “I have one extra ticket to The Odyssey on Friday. Wanna come?”
4. “It’s been a while since we hung out just the two of us! Brunch tomorrow?”
5. “I just bought a tandem bicycle. Want to go for a ride?”
Okay, that last one was a joke. But the rest, I think, should work.
There’s one catch to all of this, though: If you’re going to request hangs without Tiger, you should also be sure to specifically invite him along sometimes. That’s how you stay on good terms with him. Make him feel welcome and respected, and he should hopefully not mind too much on those days when you just need a little time on the tandem bike with your friend.
DRAWING BREAK!
In honor of the Fourth of July, here’s the most patriotic drawing I’ve ever done:
Sorry, Mom. Back to the advice…
Dear Stephen,
My best friend and I have feelings for the same guy. Should I just keep my feelings a secret and watch them get closer? Or should I say something because I liked him before she even knew him, even though I never told her? For what it’s worth, I think he likes me back.
-Furtive Feelings
Dear Furtive Feelings,
Best friends are much harder to come by than crushes. For that reason, I would do whatever you need to do to protect your friendship, which starts with telling your friend the truth.
The goal of this conversation shouldn’t be to decide who “gets” this guy — that is something he should theoretically have a say in too — although you may discover in the course of talking this out that one of you is a lot more invested than the other. If, for example, one of you has been building a secret gum shrine to this guy in the back of your closet a la Helga Patacki, and the other just thinks he’s cute, well, the latter party should probably tap out.
But the true purpose of this conversation has little to do with a guy. It’s about maintaining open lines of communication with your best friend, and minimizing any potential hurt that could arise from this. Some questions to ask each other:
1. How serious are the feelings you have? What have your interactions with this guy looked like so far?
2. Is there a way for either of you to explore these feelings further without hurting the other?
3. If something does happen between one of you and him, when and how does the other want to be told?
One last thing: If this guy knows that you two are best friends, and is actively pursuing both of you, please consider that a red flag and a sign that you should both cut bait and run. That’s one reason I’m suggesting you each share what your communications with him have been like — it may be revealing. Good luck.
Much like American democracy, today's advice column is now over. But before you go, I hope you'll subscribe to my newsletter! You’ll get each weekly issue right in your email for free. Give your inbox a little weekly treat.
And if you’ve got a problem you’d like me to solve, send it in via my anonymous form. I am no licensed professional, but hey, I am free. See you next time!
Спутники
РН
SpaceX
Роскосмос
NASA