Hi,

I need some advice. My wife and I (we are in our fifties and been married a long time, no children) have been open for 3 years but never talk about it or go on dates. It happened and it was as if it was swept under the carpet from that day. We don't have a contract or agreement and didn't decide what type of open we were.

Fast forward 3 years and I have met someone, call her Jane (late thirties, single, 1 child). I want to tell my wife but it feels very awkward given our poor communication and the lack of a clear structure. I met Jane online. We have not met in real life. I've known her a few weeks and the NRE is off the charts. I think my wife will be fine about it eventually and will really like Jane and they may even become lovers, but she takes time to get her head round things and I want to tell her in a way that she can process it.

I am thinking to get us (my wife and I) a relationship counsellor to establish a mechanism for introducing new partners and generally establish boundaries and rules. At that point I can tell her about Jane. The problem of course is that I met Jane before the rules were laid down, so maybe that doesn't work. In the mean time I think Jane and I need to cease contact so it doesn't develop any further and until my situation with my wife is clearer. I am also mindful of the NRE I am feeling and how that can distort thinking. I think Jane will understand and respect the distance (she is fully aware I am married).

My worry is that the boundaries are blurry, the rules are not clear and my wife may feel blindsided and betrayed. How do I avoid that? Or is it impossible at this stage?

Honestly Jane sounds like the wrong person to start this with IN MY OPINION. Many other poly people will vehemently disagree but she is quite a bit younger than you, is a parent, and is single. That is very diferent to your set up.

For that reason, I'd cease all contact with Jane and work on letting your wife know you are actively seeking other partners. If you truly block Jane now, I don't think you need to disclose what has happened just never repeat it.

Interesting take, I didn't see it like that, thank you.

Hi Tufte -
Like others here, I'm an advocate for strong, ethical communication throughout. Yes this can be incredibly difficult at times, but the uptick in mutual trust and stronger commitment that build is worth it in my opinion. In your next to last paragraph, you seem to already have a good sense for the best way to proceed and where things could get bumpy. In my situation with my wife, it was important for us to have that in place (and repaired to some degree) before we could comfortably proceed with our current arrangement. There have definitely been difficult conversations, jealousy, and tears but getting through that together has made our relationship deeper and stronger. I hope all goes well for the three of you - best of luck!

Hi Tufte -
Like others here, I'm an advocate for strong, ethical communication throughout. Yes this can be incredibly difficult at times, but the uptick in mutual trust and stronger commitment that build is worth it in my opinion. In your next to last paragraph, you seem to already have a good sense for the best way to proceed and where things could get bumpy. In my situation with my wife, it was important for us to have that in place (and repaired to some degree) before we could comfortably proceed with our current arrangement. There have definitely been difficult conversations, jealousy, and tears but getting through that together has made our relationship deeper and stronger. I hope all goes well for the three of you - best of luck!

Hi Gardener9, thanks for your reply, I appreciate it. Can you expand on what you said needed to be repaired in your relationship?

Wow, that was a harsh first reply you received.

Personally, before I can give you feedback, I have questions. You say you opened your relationship three years ago but neither of talked about it nor you went on any dates since then. This puzzles me. How did you intend to move forward into an open relationship from that point without further discussion? Does that mean you don't know if your wife has had any dates with other people? Or do you mean you two haven't had dates together with a "third?" What was discussed during the conversation where you apparently opened your relationship? And why do you think Jane could be a potential lover of your wife?

It is puzzling IndieSolo, it puzzles me! I don't have a good answer, other than we get embarrassed, ashamed and life gets in the way. Also, I am the leader in this situation, as in many others in our marriage, so if I don't lead, nothing happens. Thinking back, perhaps I felt that she was doing it to please me. That she wasn't fully sold on it, and I ran out of steam to push it forward and didn't want to push it. It scares her and excites her, so she will let the fear dominate, meaning I have to lead. It's like the child going into the sea for the first time, excited but scared and runs away. On dates - we've had threesomes and a foursome together. The open-up conversation - hard to say concisely as it was a long one, 3 years! We read Esther Perel, Ethical Slut and some others. Lover - she's very open to new experiences and loves being with women.

I don't see why Jane being younger and a parent has anything to do with it. Everyone is different.

Anyway, Tufte, hi and welcome.

It does seem odd to me that you and "wife" (she needs a nickname too) decided to open and then never discussed anything about it! Have you done any reading? Has "wife"? We have a lot of great resources here in our Golden Nuggets section.

Hi Magdlyn, thanks for your reply, appreciated. Let's call 'wife' Laura. Here's what I replied to IndieSolo, who had similar questions: "It is puzzling IndieSolo, it puzzles me! I don't have a good answer, other than we get embarrassed, ashamed and life gets in the way. Also, I am the leader in this situation, as in many others in our marriage, so if I don't lead, nothing happens. Thinking back, perhaps I felt that she was doing it to please me. That she wasn't fully sold on it, and I ran out of steam to push it forward and didn't want to push it. It scares her and excites her, so she will let the fear dominate, meaning I have to lead. It's like the child going into the sea for the first time, excited but scared and runs away. On dates - we've had threesomes and a foursome together. The open-up conversation - hard to say concisely as it was a long one, 3 years! We read Esther Perel, Ethical Slut and some others. Lover - she's very open to new experiences and loves being with women."

On dates - we've had threesomes and a foursome together.

I'm assuming those happened after you decided to open up your relationship, unless you mean that you were swingers before and then decided to become polyamorous? In your original post, what did you mean when you said you didn't go on dates after the conversation?

Hi Gardener9, thanks for your reply, I appreciate it. Can you expand on what you said needed to be repaired in your relationship?

Sure thing, Tufte.

I do hesitate to disclose too many specifics since the general lesson is more valid, but essentially I discovered "emotional cheating" (please note the quotes as this means different things to different people) between Bird and Cat that was being actively concealed from me. The initial secrecy caused a breach in my trust with Bird that took some time to work on (therapy, long difficult conversations).

I see a slight parallel with your situation. Because of what you've shared (that you and your wife discussed an open marriage) I think you can technically argue that you haven't "cheated", however, it's important to ask yourself, if I may, why you haven't really come forward fully and transparently and where that might lead if you don't soon (you already allude to this problem). Real transparency and trust is proactive and forthcoming, IMHO, not reactive and after the fact. I'm big on the spirit of the law rather than the letter, because this has been best with me and my wife.

It has been difficult to get to where we are but worth it and we are stronger since I've been given an opportunity to give my consent and share my understanding and support of Bird and Cat's relationship. Our situation involves Birds evolving understanding of her sexuality so there are different nuances. A comment on this forum helped me come to understand that when a deep need is going unmet the ethics will sometime suffer. Forgiveness (all around) has been a big part of our personal journey.

Again Tufte, I recognize your path may need to be different. I'm only offering part of my story as reflection, not as specific advice to you. In general, I just strongly believe that deep communication has the power to help some relationships grow stronger and more secure. Hope it all works out for all of you!

I'm assuming those happened after you decided to open up your relationship, unless you mean that you were swingers before and then decided to become polyamorous? In your original post, what did you mean when you said you didn't go on dates after

I'm assuming those happened after you decided to open up your relationship, unless you mean that you were swingers before and then decided to become polyamorous? In your original post, what did you mean when you said you didn't go on dates after the conversation?

Some before, some after. Dates - no dates. We were on a dating app for a while but neither got any dates. She didn't like it much, nor did I to be fair. And then it fizzled out. Hard to remember now what exactly happened.

Sure thing, Tufte.

I do hesitate to disclose too many specifics since the general lesson is more valid, but essentially I discovered "emotional cheating" (please note the quotes as this means different things to different people) between Bird and Cat that was being actively concealed from me. The initial secrecy caused a breach in my trust with Bird that took some time to work on (therapy, long difficult conversations).

I see a slight parallel with your situation. Because of what you've shared (that you and your wife discussed an open marriage) I think you can technically argue that you haven't "cheated", however, it's important to ask yourself, if I may, why you haven't really come forward fully and transparently and where that might lead if you don't soon (you already allude to this problem). Real transparency and trust is proactive and forthcoming, IMHO, not reactive and after the fact. I'm big on the spirit of the law rather than the letter, because this has been best with me and my wife.

It has been difficult to get to where we are but worth it and we are stronger since I've been given an opportunity to give my consent and share my understanding and support of Bird and Cat's relationship. Our situation involves Birds evolving understanding of her sexuality so there are different nuances. A comment on this forum helped me come to understand that when a deep need is going unmet the ethics will sometime suffer. Forgiveness (all around) has been a big part of our personal journey.

Again Tufte, I recognize your path may need to be different. I'm only offering part of my story as reflection, not as specific advice to you. In general, I just strongly believe that deep communication has the power to help some relationships grow stronger and more secure. Hope it all works out for all of you!

I really appreciate it, it's very helpful. It's so true what you say about the deep need and I am trying to avoid that. I haven't been transparent because I am scared of her response. I guess that is the bottom line. Maybe she'll be fine about it, maybe not.

I agree to option #2. But how? Just sit her down and tell her? It feels clumsy. Like dumping it on her. I feel like if we are in counselling we can be guided and I won't eff it up.

People have done it both ways. I am a big fan of therapy. But how will you tell wife you want to do counseling? For what reason? Because your reason is this new person you want to date.

On your own, you could tell wife you want to discuss something, and set a date/time to do it when you both don't have important things to do the next day. You could say, "Remember when we opened our relationship X years ago? Do you ever think about that time? Have you ever thought about trying it again?"

We call a sudden desire to open a relationship "polybombing" for a reason. But since you've already tried it, maybe it won't come as such a shock. But then, if wife does freak out, offer therapy as a communication tool.

We've talked about doing therapy for months to help us with communication about this stuff so it wouldn't be for that sole reason, so should be ok?

Hello Tufte,

Keep in mind, people can have feelings for others even if their marriage is monogamous. Nothing is (or should be) damaged by them confessing these feelings to their spouse. The key thing is deciding what (if anything) to do about those feelings. You and Laura have already decided to "be open," so that should certainly make it easier to confess. Is there some reason to believe that Laura may be overly sensitive about this?

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

Thanks Kevin, that's really helpful. I tend to move quickly and don't realise that she is with me and it sets us back. I'm nervous this is one of those times, that I'm way ahead and it will be a shock. It's one thing to talk about being open, it's another thing to have the reality presented to you. I think she will be fine eventually. I just want to tell her in a respectful way and one that minimizes shock.