Influence goes both ways, so we need to ask ourselves some honest questions, both about how we are influenced and the influence we exert.

Recently, both of my sons and one of my daughters joined a mountain biking team. All my life, I’ve been a cyclist so I’m thrilled to have a little “team” forming in our household. As a father, I’ve always tried to give the children room to choose their own interests and not pressure them to follow mine, so I’m hopeful that they’re really, truly embracing the joy of cycling of their own volition. That said, there’s no doubt that my own interest has influenced them. For the entirety of their lives, they’ve seen me get on my bike on a daily basis and head out to the riverfront trail to do my workout. It’s only natural that the interests of one family member create a similar interest in another.

Cycling is an example of a positive act of mimicry within our family. There are plenty of other times when the children act like me and, well, let’s just say I’m not proud of myself. They say something cutting and arrogant and I realize that they’ve picked up those words and attitude from me. They hear me gossip and, later, I hear them gossiping in a similar manner. They learned that from me.

For better or worse, family members influence each other. Hopefully it’s a good influence, but often our biggest source of temptation comes from within the family. This is because, within a family, there’s a strong sense of loyalty and trust. I have a huge influence on my children simply because they look up to me and trust me. This is why it feels so bad when I realize that I’ve set a harmful example and, by doing so, tempted them into falling into bad habits.

There’s a similar imitative quality to friendships. Over time, my friends and I have begun to talk like each other, developed mutual interests, and egg each other on. Sometimes that’s good, sometimes it’s bad. A close friend has the capacity to influence, to challenge, to hold up a higher standard, or to drag down. Sometimes, we tolerate bad influences out of a disordered sense of loyalty.

It’s a lot of responsibility, to be in close relationships, and I know I don’t always live up to it. No one can. After all, no one is perfect. But this doesn’t mean we should all live alone in order to avoid being a bad influence. Relationships can create temptation precisely because family and friendship are so good and beautiful. If we didn’t care so much about each other, and if the bonds of family and friendship weren't so valuable, we wouldn’t be able to influence each other so much.

The way it might be explained in Catholic theology is that Satan only attacks us when we’re not already under his influence. When family and friends are sources of good, when we encourage each other and help each other become better, that’s when he gets motivated to attack. If we’re already in a bad place, though, he leaves us alone. He’s already winning. This is why the source of blessing can also become a source of temptation. Good things attract opposition.

Our choices are constantly influenced by family and friends, both consciously or unconsciously. It seems to me that we even delegate some of our self-control and form our identity from within the groups to which we belong. It isn’t peer pressure, precisely, but it’s the way we subtly pick up on social cues and inform our behavior to fit in. We want to be agreeable and make other people happy, so we adjust our behavior and adapt to each other. If you’re being influenced by a saint, that’s a great thing. If it’s, say, the influence of a person like me, the results are more mixed.

This is why I think the solution to the problem of temptation arising within our closest relationships isn’t to abandon those relationships or deny the fact that we’re influencing each other; it’s to take our responsibilities towards those we love more seriously. I am responsible to my children, so I need to do better. I want to be a better man for my wife because our destinies are linked. She trusts me and I want to be worthy of that trust. My family follows my lead and I need to be sure I’m not taking them in the wrong direction.

This creates some additional questions because influence goes both ways. How is it that I am being influenced? Because I trust family and friends, do I sometimes follow in a less than ideal direction? Have I unwittingly picked up bad habits? Do I over-indulge my children because I don’t want to strain our relationship? Not say anything to a friend who is making bad decisions?

I don’t have any easy answers to these questions. Adapting the direction of a group isn’t as simple as announcing the 10 Commandments and bluntly demanding that the people around me change. That might only ruin the relationship and has no chance at actually influencing anyone’s behavior. I might feel good that I “said something,” but damage the relationship which is the actual, best way to exercise long-term influence for the good.

One thing I know for certain is that a close relationship is an irreplaceable opportunity for us all to influence each other for the good, and we shouldn’t strain them when there are other options. I do also do know that, if I can be so bold as to try to influence a family member or friend for the good, I have a real chance at having them listen to me, and I owe it to them to be honest. In the end, we navigate these questions in our own way and I don’t think there’s one simple answer.

We cannot lose sight of the most important fact, which is that we don’t create families and form friendships because we’re desperate to become influential. We do it because humans thrive when we live in community. We are created to give love away and this is the key to happiness. So we love each other the best we can, which means we aren’t trying to secretly control or influence each other all the time. I figure that the one person I ought to be controlling is myself, and if I behave with virtue and integrity, then any influence I might have will be for the good. And it won’t be because I think everyone should act like me but because it’s my little part, my imperfect but sincere gift to contribute to our collective happiness.