Gordon Ramsay's Future Food Stars

BBC 1, Thursday

Rating:

Open House: The Great British Sex Experiment

Channel 4, Friday

Rating:

Gordon Ramsay’s latest reality competition show, Gordon Ramsay’s Future Food Stars, opens with him jumping from a helicopter into the sea and swimming to the Cornwall beach where the 12 contestants have gathered.

If anyone knows why, they’re not saying. My only hope is that the BBC doesn’t insist all cookery shows now begin like this, as I’d fear for Mary Berry, I truly would.

The basic concept here is not dissimilar to The Apprentice, as it is exactly The Apprentice with added stag-do elements.

The contestants are all ‘food entrepreneurs’ – vegan bakers, chutney-makers, that kind of thing – and, as Ramsay explains, while dripping all over the place, at the end of the series he will be investing ‘£150,000 OF MY OWN MONEY’ in one of them.

So let’s get cooking. No, let’s not. Hold up. Put down that frying pan. Desist with that knife. Untie that apron. Let’s see them all jump off a cliff into the sea first.

There is, at least, an explanation here. It’s: ‘I want to see what you are really made of.’ And: ‘If I’m going to take a leap of faith in you, then you have to do the same for me, literally.’

The cliff is high, the rocks are jagged beneath, and personally? If someone is going to sell me a taco, for example, I’d need to be totally sure they’ve got this. Wouldn’t you?

The contestants were then divided into three teams, and each had to run a food shack on Newquay beach. The winners, they were told, would be the ones who made the most profit and, at the end, one person would be going home.

(In my mind’s eye I can see Alan Sugar bristling with fury. ‘This is my show!’)

There are, of course, squabbles.

Someone throws a tantrum about mushrooms. Taco dressing ends up all over the floor. Ramsay chastises one team for not having tasted their dish, which may be more of a prerequisite for decent cooking than jumping from a high cliff, but I don’t know.

Actually, the biggest take-away from this opening episode was that you can now charge £8 for a toastie. And to think I’ve been giving them away in this house for as long as anyone can remember. I’m not sure I’ll get away with £8, but maybe £5?

The contestants then gather at one of Ramsay’s restaurants, where he grills them and the winners are revealed. It is The Apprentice, but I preferred it to The Apprentice as the contestants aren’t yet crazed.

No one has yet said ‘Everything I touch turns to sold’ or has vowed to give ‘120 per cent’. They’re actually people you might know.

Meanwhile, I’ve no idea what next week’s challenge will involve, but if it doesn’t include a parachute jump I will be sorely disappointed. Would you buy noodles from anyone who hadn’t parachute-jumped? Thought not.

Open House: The Great Sex Experiment is couched as ‘science’, although it’s not like the science we did at school. If it had been, we might have shown more interest.

This ‘experiment’ wants to find out ‘if it’s possible to open up your relationship without harming it’, and whether ‘we can thrive without monogamy’. There is no mention of the periodic table. There isn’t a Bunsen burner in sight.

Instead, it’s a matter of threesomes and group sex. Because it’s that kind of science.

The deal is that couples travel to a retreat where the other guests are ‘sexually liberated singles’ who they can invite to spend the night with them. (But only in the interests of science.)

There is also a relationship expert on hand, Dr Lori Beth, who says things like ‘Jealousy is a very common emotion’, which is strange, as I’d never heard of it.

She also introduces games involving whipped cream, so I’m guessing she’s more fun to be around than your own doctor. (Although I can’t say for sure, obviously.)

First up were Mady and Nathan, sweethearts from Wales who wanted to include another woman in their relationship. If they had a reason beyond fulfilling a sexual fantasy, I did not pick up on it.

I was minded to ask if they’d missed lunch. That can do it. Whenever I feel like a threesome, it’s usually that.

Their first night with Precious was not wholly successful. ‘I felt like a spare part,’ sulked Nathan the next day. The second night, with Grace, was better. It’s all filmed. It’s dark, but you can see. And hear.

But it’s educative, remember. And science, albeit of the kind that seems to involve a ton of alcohol.

Next were Danielle and John, married for 16 years and with four children.

No one said: ‘Don’t do this to your kids, just go home.’ They were after an orgy – sorry, I think they were ‘testing boundaries’ or something – but Dr Lori Beth said that because they had ‘trust’ issues, they’d just have to kiss other people first, scientifically.

I don’t know what other experts were to hand but I hope there was one to help them look people in the eye now the show is going out. Otherwise, how is that done? How?