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СпутникиРНSpaceXРоскосмосNASAAsk Roe: On the surface level, I find it disgraceful that my partner would get into this state
Dear Roe,
I am in a new relationship of six months. We were previously good friends for about a year. Ninety-five per cent of the time, we are immensely happy together. However, my new partner struggles with mental health problems and substance abuse, and I do not know what to do. Once every two or three weeks, he will drink heavily and often do cocaine. On these occasions, he is a messy, out-of-control drunk. He is never in any way aggressive, abusive or violent, but he will lose or damage his possessions, throw up in public and eventually stumble home, where he will pass out and then remain in bed for up to two days hungover, anxious and full of self-loathing. I find this behaviour extremely hard to deal with. On the surface level, I find it disgraceful that my partner would get into this state. I am embarrassed by him on these nights out, and his behaviour often leads to disagreements in the days after. On a deeper level, I am extremely concerned about his mental health. I believe he acts this way as a means of coping with anxiety and possibly depression, and I feel that he is caught in a vicious cycle of alcohol and drug use that only contributes to his underlying poor mental state. We have discussed it several times, and he always expresses a desire to control his drinking. I believe this, but once he starts drinking, he loses self-control and inevitably ends up completely inebriated. He acknowledges that his mental health is an issue but doesn’t seem to proactively address it. I care for him deeply, and I believe our relationship has a lot of potential, but I know these problems must be addressed. I feel that, by staying with him, I am in some way accepting this behaviour and he will never change, but I feel immense guilt over leaving someone who is struggling so deeply and is in every other way an excellent partner.
Admittedly I’m not great at maths, but if your partner is getting out-of-control drunk and high every two or three weeks, then spending two days in bed overwhelmed by shame and self-loathing, that doesn’t sound like a problem affecting only five per cent of your relationship. It sounds like you’re losing one or two weekends a month to his addiction, then many more days to the fallout. Add in the time you spend worrying, arguing, managing your embarrassment, dealing with financial losses or damaged friendships and wondering whether you can build a safe future together, and this begins to sound like one of the defining features of your relationship, with the happy times in between being a bonus.
I have a huge amount of sympathy for your partner; I really do. Addiction is so often an attempt to cope with poor mental health that unfortunately just compounds the issue. And sadly, drug and alcohol use then become intertwined – alcohol becomes the trigger for the drug use. It sounds like your partner is caught in this desperate cycle.
It is absolutely possible to recover – wonderful people are working in addiction services all over the country, the HSE has resources online and his GP can help him access services if he is open with them. But recovery is not easy – it requires lifestyle shifts, often developing a new routine and social life and of course tackling the underlying mental health issue and building up new coping mechanisms. It only truly works if people are committed to the process.
Right now, your partner is not demonstrating willingness to take even the baby steps required to start that journey. And although my heart goes out to him and I do wish him recovery, healing and a better life in the future, I do not think you are the person who can or should be responsible for trying to convince him to fight for it.
If you had been with this man for 10 years, my advice might be different. But your relationship is so brand new. And that matters because, realistically, you have very little emotional power or leverage here. He’s not going to change for you. In the first six months of a relationship, people are usually on their best behaviour. Your partner is instead in the full throes of addiction, unable to hide it and unwilling at this juncture to seek professional help for either his addiction or mental health.
His issues and the challenges he is facing are evident. But I am also deeply concerned for you. The fact that you’re minimising the impact of his addiction, investing in the relationship’s “potential” rather than its reality and feeling guilty about leaving all point to someone with enormous empathy but very weak boundaries – and that’s a dangerous combination. Being endlessly empathetic for someone’s struggles without setting boundaries around behaviour and standards you have for yourself is a recipe for self-destruction and enabling. I fear you’re falling into the trap of believing you can “save” this man – but staying and watching as someone self-destructs isn’t helpful to either of you. His addiction is a pattern, and you’re part of it now – he knows that he can get drunk and high and you might argue about it, but ultimately, you’ll stay. That’s not good for either of you.
When someone you love is struggling, leaving can feel like abandoning them when they most need support. But there is a difference between abandoning someone and accepting the limits of what you can do for them. His addiction and his mental health are not problems you can solve through love, patience or sacrifice. Staying out of guilt won’t make him recover, just as leaving won’t make you responsible for his illness. Ending the relationship doesn’t mean you failed him, didn’t love him or didn’t try hard enough. It just means accepting the painful reality that love alone isn’t enough to treat addiction.
And remember that his addiction is not just going to hold him back. It will hold you back too. Addiction has a way of freezing people in time, stalling their growth and development and shrinking their life – and it will do that to you. You deserve a relationship where you flourish, grow and feel supported, and that is not available here. And just as you wonder why he keeps returning to the habits and substances that are damaging and shrinking his life, at some point you need to ask yourself why you’re going back to a relationship that’s doing the same to you. Just as you want better for him, want better for yourself. And just as he needs to decide that he is willing to take the first step towards what’s good for him, so do you.
[ My friends never pick up the bill and it’s making me resentfulOpens in new window ]
You can leave this man while still expressing care and hope for his recovery. You can tell him you’re ending the relationship while giving him information about support services, and telling him you want better for him. If you know people in his life, you can express your concerns to them so someone is aware he’s struggling and can support him during the break-up. And find yourself a therapist so that you have support too, and explore what this relationship meant to you.
You both deserve better than this. I really hope you both get it.