On Oct. 28, 2022, American singer-songwriter Chappell Roan released her single “Casual.” Social media went crazy and began sharing their “was it casual?” stories that reminisced over ex-situationships and “casual” partners. Eventually, these lighthearted and offhand conversations complicated discussions over virginity. 

Over time, society has transformed from collectively viewing intimacy — sex in particular — as a sacred act that must be preserved until marriage into something far more casual. 

But, to quote Penn Badgley, “Is it ever casual?” Either way, hookup culture has led people to question the significance of purity and whether preserving your virginity even matters. 

Growing up, the “birds and the bees” conversation was inevitable but ultimately never really explained anything beyond awkwardly stating what sex is by using as much figurative language our parents could muster. Every student came to school with a different understanding of sex and its potential consequences.

Yet, the topic was inescapable. I mean, it was so in our faces that they had a bowl of free condoms in every school office but zero free menstruation products in any of the girls’ bathrooms. We all took government-mandated sex education classes that taught us how to do certain things — rather than explaining the physical or mental impacts they could have. 

Both in the household and in the school systems, most of us were given a very broad definition of sex. For many, it was most likely defined as a sin or off limits until marriage with no explanation why — especially to young girls. 

Take the 2014 hit show Jane the Virgin for example. Unluckily, accidentally and artificially inseminated in her early 20s, Jane’s ironic crisis centers on the fact that she has dedicated her life to remaining a virgin until marriage — her Catholic Abuela taught her early in life never to “crumple the flower.” And not only can it never be uncrumpled, but it damages and rots the flower for eternity. 

We all know what “flower” means. The way Jane and her Abuela talked about virginity represents the kind of purity-centered conversations lots of girls had growing up, especially in religious households. Teachings from major religions have laid the foundation for societal attitudes towards purity and sex as a whole. 

The influence they hold has branched into their own cultures and complexes that become social norms, such as the Madonna Whore Complex — a psychological complex that reinforces the idea that a woman must remain pure and heteronomous in order to appeal to the male gaze. 

The intention of these ideologies that target women and scare them into remaining “pure” only invalidates the legitimacy of saving yourself for marriage, as it is more evidently a tactic for controlling women’s bodies and reducing their autonomy. If premarital sex is unforgivable, why has the burden fallen so heavily on women in particular?

Although women are more often taught not to engage in premarital sex and are shamed if having done so, only a small percentage actually wait. According to a study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, nearly 90% of American women have sex before marriage, with the same statistic being true for men. 

Simply put, premarital sex, or sex in general, is common and normal. While teaching young girls not to have sex is reasonable, purity culture and the Madonna Whore Complex — both products of religious ideologies against premarital sex — stain the mindsets of both men and women. Male supremacy is reinforced, and women are taught to remain “pure” just to retain their value as humans. 

In reality, sex is for pleasure and is completely normal — whether or not you’ve had sex, it does not make you any less or more of a person. At the end of the day, purity, virginity and all these adjacent concepts that have branched from archaic belief systems, are social concepts constructed to make people believe a man’s genitals are powerful enough to change a woman’s being and worth. 

Whether it’s casual or not, we’re the ones making it complicated. 

Your donation will support the student journalists of Boston University. Your contribution will allow us to purchase equipment and cover our annual website hosting costs.

About the Contributor