By Dan Savage - Dec. 5, 2024

What’s the sexiest holiday food to eat off someone’s body?

While food can be sensuous, you don’t eat food off someone’s body unless you’re fucking or about to fuck. Fucking on a full a stomach is uncomfortable, which is why I’m always urging people to #FuckFirst on Valentine’s Day (and their wedding days, birthdays, anniversaries). 

Like many people, I made the mistake of incorporating food into foreplay when I first became sexually active. Putting whipped cream on our tits made me and my first boyfriend feel like we were doing something naughty and sophisticated without either of us having to open up about our actual kinks. And as we both quickly learned, whipped cream quickly liquifies as it rises to body temperature, and then you look and smell like an infant barfed all over you.

Everyone should enjoy holiday food and holiday sex — but not at the same time, and not in that order.

How do we sneak in some quick sex while we’re staying with the whole family?

You offer to do a coffee run for the whole family, you head to the nearest “drive-through” Starbucks in the miserable suburb where you were raised, you park your car and go inside. You place your order at the counter, you head for the restroom — which is empty and clean, as very few people get out of their cars — and then you have sex (quickly!) standing up while your family’s enormous coffee order is being prepared.

What are the best Christmas-themed positions?

Christmas isn’t sexy. You can have sex on Christmas — because of course you can (and not just in the bathroom at Starbucks). But just as we all eventually learn that whipped cream isn’t a sex toy, we all eventually learn that mixing up “positions” isn’t adventurous or kinky. We find the positions that work for us and our partners and they become our go-tos. (Ideally, they become our work-up-towards after a lot of foreplay.) So, whatever positions work for you and your partner when it’s not Christmas are the same positions that will work for you and your partner when it is Christmas.

P.S. When people talk about “positions,” they mean positions for penetrative sexual intercourse (usually PIV, sometimes PIB), e.g., missionary, doggy, wheelbarrow, cowgirl/boy/hand, etc. So, if you’re the kind of person who thinks about sex as a range of possible “positions” for penetrative sex, taking PIV and PIB off the menu — doing something else for once — is the single best way to discover something new.

Being around family is a turn-off for me. Any suggestions?

Don’t move back in with mom and dad, if you can help it, and head to the nearest drive-through Starbucks when you’re feeling desperate.

How do I explain being poly to my rural Kansas (but Midwestern nice!) extended family?

Matter-of-factly — and if any of your relatives have divorced or been widowed and remarried (or even gone steady more than once), they already understand that a person can have more than one committed romantic partner over the course of their life. You’re doing it concurrently instead of sequentially, but you’re not doing anything most of them haven’t done. 

In other words: serial monogamy is a form of polyamory. 

Email your question for the column to [email protected] or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan. Read more Savage Love.

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