By Dan Savage - Aug. 22, 2024

My husband loves board games, problem solving and anything that gets his brain going. But he’s not particularly aware of what motivates him. He’s also not straightforward with exactly what turns him on. 

One thing he likes is initiating sex at the most inconvenient moment. He’ll try to get things going when I’m cooking or when we have to get dressed and get somewhere. The more I rebuff his advances, the more motivated my husband is to have sex. I think my rebuffs feel like a game for him — a fun problem to solve — but I find the whole thing pretty fucking annoying. I’ve tried asking him what turns him on, and I’ve been straightforward about his advances not feeling sexy when I’m concentrating on not burning dinner or getting dressed and out the door because we’re meeting friends somewhere or have a reservation. But it just keeps happening. 

— Jokey Unaware Man’s Actions Not Juicy Ideal

Your husband isn’t the only one who can play games. You can lie to your husband about having dinner reservations for 7 p.m. when they’re actually for 8 and let him think he’s getting away with something when he initiates sex at 6:45 p.m.

If you really wanna make it a puzzle and keep him out of the kitchen, JUMANJI, get your husband a cock cage and hide clues for the combination lock in other parts of the house. If he can solve the puzzle and free his cock before dinner, you will turn down the heat and have a quickie on the kitchen counter. But he’s not allowed in the kitchen until his cock is free or his dinner is served, whichever comes first.

My girlfriend is very sweet and super affectionate in private, but it totally disappears in public. She barely smiles at me and rejects any public display of affection greater than holding hands. It makes me anxious when we go from very cuddly and touchy at home to her literally jumping away if I try to give her a peck on the cheek in public. Is she being unreasonable or am I just an anxious little bitch?

— Publicly Displayed Aversion

Your girlfriend could be unreasonable, PDA, and you could be an anxious little bitch — it doesn’t have to be one or the other. But unreasonable or not, PDA, your girlfriend doesn’t like public displays of affection.If it hurts your feelings when she pulls away when you try to kiss her in public, stop trying to kiss her in public.

That fact that she’s willing to hold your hand is proof she isn’t embarrassed to be seen with you, PDA, and proof she doesn’t loathe you the way Melania loathes Donald. But if you try to stick your tongue in her mouth every time she so much as smiles at you in public — if you keep doing shit to your girlfriend that she hates (kissing her, grabbing more than her hand) — she’s not only gonna keep glaring, she’s gonna come to hate you every bit as much as Melania hates Donald, PDA, and then you’re gonna get dumped.

I’m a 41-year-old cisgender man who can only perform sexually if a certain song is playing. It’s not a song I particularly like, but it was a song my late wife loved and listened to all the time and even chose for our first dance at our wedding. My wife died six years ago and I’m obviously unable to let go. I’ve tried ED pills, but they don’t help because the root cause is psychological, not physical. Have you ever heard of anything like this?

— Totally Unfathomable Need Endangering Situationships

I haven’t heard of this, TUNES, but back in my twenties, I used to hook up with a guy who wanted to be spanked while he listened to Doris Day’s Greatest Hits. He never offered an in-depth explanation, TUNES, and I didn’t want one.

Do what you can to wean yourself from this song. Listening to it at progressively lower volumes when you’re having sex and/or jerking off might get you to a point where you can hear it even when it’s not playing. Maybe you can wear your AirPods and play the song loudly enough for you to hear but not so loudly you can’t hear your sex partner’s moans and/or requests. 

Email your question for the column to [email protected]. Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love. Read more Savage Love on Boulder Weekly.

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