Are you someone who, on paper, seems to be a success? The sort of person others aspire to be, perhaps because you’ve reached the top of the career ladder or are simply a popular type whose willingness to take a joke helps make you the life and soul of any party?

You might be a senior executive who got there by working exceptionally long hours, taking jobs home and accepting more than you feel you can handle but always achieving a great result.

Or perhaps you’re admired as one half of a perfect couple, telling yourself that your willingness to put up with an unfulfilling sex life makes you a good partner.

Recognise yourself in any of these scenarios? Then it may surprise you to learn that, though society celebrates behaviours such as hard work, perfectionism, and selflessness in relationships, all can be indications of low self-esteem.

Many of us are unaware of the impact of low self-esteem. And, as a seasoned psychotherapist, I witness this struggle daily, often unnoticed by those within its grasp as it quietly robs them of life’s rich experiences.

Here are 12 ways you might be suffering from low self-esteem without even realising it:

• Using negative words or being critical towards yourself.

• Using humour about yourself in a negative way.

• Frequently saying ‘I don’t mind’ instead of saying what you really want.

• Focusing on the negative aspects of yourself and ignoring the positives.

• Blaming yourself when situations go wrong.

• Comparing yourself to others and feeling that they are superior to you.

• Feeling unworthy of pleasant things or having fun.

• Finding it difficult to accept compliments.

• Avoiding new situations for fear of failing.

• Becoming disproportionately upset by criticism or people not approving of you.

• Often feeling low in mood, depressed, angry, ashamed, or worthless.

• Being a perfectionist and/or being indecisive.

One thing that has become clear to me is that when you feel flawed, you feel unworthy. When you doubt that you’re enough, you feel unlovable.

This drastically alters your perception of what you deserve or can achieve – from jobs and relationships, to how you treat yourself.

Relationships

Low self-esteem can have a detrimental impact on our relationships, making us feel undeserving of love, respect, or kindness. It can lead to us pushing people away as we fear rejection, or clinging to a relationship for fear that the other person will leave.

I frequently see how people let unhealthy relationships continue even though they don’t feel loved, valued or respected.

Low self-esteem can manifest in an unfulfilling sex life where you don’t express your needs. Or you may tolerate toxic or abusive behaviours.

It can also affect relationships with our friends and family. It’s difficult to forge real, genuine connections when we’re shrouded by our own insecurities.

I see how often people with low self-esteem put the needs of others first. Their fear of not being good enough leads to overcompensation, which shows up as conflict avoidance and struggling to maintain boundaries or to assert needs.

The fear of rejection also makes it highly challenging for these people to open up fully.

Work life

Low self-esteem may hinder your ability to communicate effectively at work, affect how you interact with others, or prevent you from advocating for yourself.

It also stops you from expressing your ideas and voicing your opinions – you second-guess your contributions and defer to others.

It makes you avoid challenges or underestimate your abilities, and keeps you from progressing in your career. You may avoid leadership roles even when you’re qualified for them.

Low self-esteem in the workplace also manifests in us overworking, trying to prove our worth or making sure everything we do is perfect. You might also perceive constructive feedback as criticism.

When our worth is reliant on the opinions of others, the pressure to please everyone can lead to burnout.

Low self-esteem can also stop us from pursuing the goal of running our own businesses, as we fear failure so much that we avoid new challenges.

A silent yet constant presence in the background of our lives, the negative internal dialogue that plays on autopilot can lead to feelings of hopelessness and a greater chance of developing anxiety and depression.

Even where it doesn’t lead to problems with your mental health, low self-esteem can result in unhealthy coping mechanisms and avoidance behaviours.

Here are some of the most common such behaviours and mechanisms that keep the cycle of low self-esteem going.

Social Withdrawal

Social withdrawal leads to you avoiding situations or experiences that make you feel socially challenged and avoid the risk of criticism or rejection.

People socially withdraw in many ways. Perhaps you’re quick to decline invitations, or you cancel your plans at the last minute.

Or perhaps you think no one’s interested in hearing what you have to say.

You may also be more prone to using alcohol as a way to mask your anxiety.

This can make you feel more relaxed and help you lose your inhibitions, but drinking offers only a temporary relief from the complicated emotions and experiences associated with low self‑esteem.

Perfectionism

To alleviate feelings of inadequacy, you strive for perfection – but in pursuing it, you exhaust yourself.

While this may provide fleeting respite from feelings of inadequacy, it can also increase anxiety and distort your sense of self.

It doesn’t matter if you’re working late, neglecting your needs, or feeling stressed, you will keep on pushing through because you won’t stop at anything less than perfect!

I see this in many of my clients, the people-pleasers who take on tasks even when they’re stretched.

They often appear to be high achievers who have everything under control. However, internally they’re struggling with the immense pressure.

In relationships and friendships alike, they will go above and beyond, desperately seeking to keep others happy.

They never want to show signs of being less than perfect, because this brings up fears of rejection.

Self-deprecation

Are you the first person to declare how bad your hair looks or how much weight you’ve put on? Maybe you throw casual insults at yourself about your lack of capabilities. This is your inner critic at play.

It feels much safer to take control of what others may think of you than to leave this to chance, so you enter a cycle of self-perpetuating abuse, because this feels way less

harmful than leaving it in the hands of others.

Putting up emotional defences

Do you find yourself saying that something is OK when, really, deep inside, you feel sad or angry? This is one instance of an emotional defence, where you suppress your true feelings out of fear of a negative outcome, such as conflict or rejection from others.

Procrastination

Do you find yourself putting off tasks that you know you should complete? Do you know, deep inside, that doing that thing will help you progress or feel more organised, but you stall and stall?

Research has shown that individuals with lower self-esteem procrastinate more because they lack confidence, resulting in a lack of motivation.

This makes sense. Why would you invest your time and energy in a task when you feel destined to fail? This can prevent you from completing even those projects that you may feel more confident about, as your low self-esteem makes you doubt your ability to achieve them.

All of these coping mechanisms and avoidance behaviours can bring short-term relief from uncomfortable thoughts or feelings. However, their long-term impact is detrimental because we can become trapped in a negative feedback loop that reinforces our inability to step up to challenges in life.

They all come from your own perceptions but there are also some external influences that can impact your self‑esteem.

We often internalise cultural norms, values, and beliefs. Since low self-esteem means we are conscious of what others think or expect, it makes us even more susceptible to taking these messages on. And women face a particular battle with social perceptions of beauty.

A recent study showed that one in five British women struggle with self-confidence, while a staggering 85 per cent of their American counterparts suffer from low self-esteem.

I can relate to this all too well as a tall, curvy, mixed-race brunette who grew up in the 1980s and 1990s, an era in which Pamela Anderson, Kylie Minogue and Madonna were iconic figures.

When you don’t feel yourself fitting into these ideals, you don’t like what’s in the mirror. I see this often as a therapist. It can lead to people developing a negative relationship with themselves. They can also start to feel envious of others they deem more attractive.

The good news is that low self-esteem can be overcome – there is work you can do to help you heal.

Before we dive deeper into how it might be impacting you, I would like you to take a questionnaire to help you gain insights into your own self-perception.

Here is a list of statements dealing with your general feelings about yourself. Please note how strongly you agree or disagree with each statement by answering ‘Strongly Agree’, ‘Agree’, ‘Disagree’ or ‘Strongly Disagree’.

1. On the whole, I am satisfied with myself.

2. At times, I think I am no good at all.

3. I feel that I have a number of good qualities.

4. I am able to do things as well as most other people.

5. I feel I do not have much to be proud of.

6. I feel useless at times.

7. I feel that I’m a person of worth, at least on an equal plane with others.

8. I wish I could have more respect for myself.

9. All in all, I am inclined to feel that I am a failure.

10. I take a positive attitude toward myself.

When you have answered all the questions, tally up your score. 

For the statements 1, 3, 4, 7, and 10, the points are scored one way: Strongly Agree = 3 points, Agree = 2 points, Disagree = 1 point, Strongly Disagree = 0 points

For the statements 2, 5, 6, 8 and 9, the points are scored in reverse: Strongly Agree = 0 points, Agree = 1 point, Disagree = 2 points Strongly Disagree = 3 points

The scale ranges from 0 to 30, with higher scores corresponding to greater levels of self-esteem.

Are you surprised by your score? Sometimes we may have a different perception of ourselves than the questionnaire reveals. This is OK. Whether the score was higher or lower, your feelings are valid.

The score doesn’t define you; it’s a tool that helps you start the journey towards building greater self-esteem and confidence.

With that in mind, I would now like you to create a self-esteem inventory, identifying areas where you feel confident and good about yourself, as well as those where you feel insecure.

For example, you might say: ‘Areas I feel confident in are: I’m a good cook, I’m caring, and I’m organised.

‘Areas I feel insecure about are: my level of education, my appearance, and my ability to hold a conversation.

Along with the questionnaire, this will help you start the transformative journey towards overcoming low self-esteem and manifesting your dreams.

Although many of my clients come to therapy feeling unable to change how they view themselves, I proved them with stepping stones to recovery and discovering their higher selves.

But, you must subconsciously and at a cellular level believe you’re made for more.

You can stop putting yourself last, and ditch the old narrative that tells you’re not good enough. Are you willing to make that choice for yourself and put yourself first?

I believe everyone has the potential to live happily ever after. It begins with clearly declaring to the world that: ‘I am worth it.’

In tomorrow’s Mail on Sunday, I’ll describe how you can adopt a more positive mindset and achieve your true potential.

Adapted from Believe You’re Made For More, by Natasha Page, published by Hay House this week at £14.99. © Natasha Page 2026. To order a copy for £13.49 (offer valid to 14/02/26; UK P&P free on orders over £25) go to mailshop.co.uk/books or call 020 3176 2937.