"I want to support her but I feel tired, having spent years supporting her in these same issues time and time again. Tell me how to navigate this."View Entire Post ›
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Dear Stephen,
My friend is a very intelligent woman, who might not make the best decisions with the men she dates. She is divorced, after a long, abusive marriage. In her healing process, she realized she tends to abandon her boundaries in relationships, and that she needs to stand up for herself more. She told me that in retrospect she wishes more people were honest with her about how they felt about her then-husband.
She's now living with a new man. I can see the same patterns emerging, with her giving more and more of herself to a man who wants a maid and a caretaker of his several children, not a partner. She complains a lot to me about how unhappy she is, then, the next time we meet, she suddenly gushes over how he's such a great man who treats her wonderfully. I see her losing more of herself each time I speak with her.
I have chosen to be honest with her about my opinion on this, at her request. Still, this is causing distance between us. I want to support her but I feel tired, having spent years supporting her in these same issues time and time again. How do I navigate this?
—Tired Friend
Dear Tired Friend,
You’ve been honest about your concerns regarding the boyfriend, but have you been honest about your weariness with this whole conversation? I think that’s important for her to understand too, for two reasons:
1. She should know that you are not the right audience for the endless cycle of complaining, then gushing, then complaining again.
2. It might be eye-opening for her to see just how endless that cycle has been.
At the end of the day, you can’t force your friend to leave her relationship. That’s her choice to make. All you can do is reflect back to her what you’re seeing — which is not just a shitty boyfriend, but also a woman who can’t seem to pull herself out of a toxic, exhausting loop.
Obviously, if you suspect that this relationship is abusive or dangerous in some way, a deeper intervention is warranted. But assuming this is just your average, run-of-the-mill, unfulfilling relationship with a jerk, I think you can tap out of the conversation once you’ve explained the impact it’s having on your friendship. Here’s a possible script:
"I care about you, so it’s hard to have so many conversations about how unhappy you are, when you won’t take steps to make yourself happier. I think we’re at an impasse on the topic of your boyfriend, so we should talk about other things. But if you ever want help getting out of the relationship, that’s a conversation I am always willing to have."
I hope someday she takes you up on that offer. Good luck.
Dear Stephen,
How do I backtrack an agreement to share a secret recipe?
My grandmother had a “secret” brownie recipe (that’s really nothing wild, but it’s been passed down to me, and in my family, we call it “secret”). I started bringing these brownies to my husband’s family gatherings and everyone loves them. My sister-in-law (husband’s sister) asked me to share the recipe. In a PPP (People Pleasing Panic) I said yes.
I hoped she would forget about it, but now she’s asked two more times, and it's awkward to keep blowing her off. I’m not super close with her and I don’t think she appreciates that this is a special family recipe for me, but I already agreed! Can I backtrack, or is it too late?
—Backroom Brownie Baker
Dear Backroom Brownie Baker,
I’m pulled in three different directions here:
1. The people pleaser in me says to give her the recipe, and consider it a tribute to your grandmother that a few more people can enjoy her brownies.
2. The communicator in me says to tell her the truth, maybe with humor: “I have to be honest, I forgot that my grandmother held this recipe as a cherished secret. I would give it to you, but I don’t want her to haunt you for eternity.”
3. The rulebender in me says to give her the recipe with a few gentle tweaks that will lead to more or less the same brownies, but spare you from revealing your grandma’s proprietary formula.
These options are probably ranked from most to least noble, but they all seem fine to me. Choose your own adventure!
DRAWING BREAK!
Speaking of brownies, here’s a drawing I did based on one of my favorite treats, the problematically named Slutty Brownie.
And now, our final letter of the week...
Dear Stephen,
I'm a single gay man who recently moved to a big city. I'm ready for a serious relationship that one day leads to marriage and a family. My problem is that when I meet a great guy, I tend to overthink everything and be completely uncool and needy, which seems to be off-putting to other gay men.
To give you an example: I recently went on a date with a devilishly handsome gentleman, where we talked for five hours straight. On this date, he mentioned how his ex made him feel pressured all the time, and he didn’t want to date someone like that again.
We kept texting after the date, and at some point, we talked about Italian restaurants. I made a joke about inviting a cute boy I know as a subtle way to ask for a second date. He saw it but didn’t reply for several hours, making me panic. I then texted to say the cute boy wasn’t him, probably making it worse. He did reply, and we are still talking, but it shows how quickly I can spiral. So, how do you keep your cool around a new guy so as not to scare him away?
—Anxious Texter
Dear Anxious Texter,
Asking me how to be cool is like asking a pug how to tie a knot, but I might have some useful advice anyway: In life, you must decide that you are fine.
That’s really all that confidence is — the assurance that you are fine. It isn’t a matter of courage or talent or success or white teeth. Confidence is just the absence of doubt.
So rather than trying to contort yourself into someone you think your date might like, know who you actually are and commit to it 100%. If you’re someone who likes to joke over text, joke over text. Let him respond — or not! — as he will. A harmless joke is unlikely to be a deterrent for most people, but crashing out when you don’t hear back for a few hours might. Decide that your text was fine, and move on.
This approach will of course not magically make every man fall in love with you. Some guys inevitably won’t be the right fit — heck, maybe a few won’t like your jokes at all! That is life. But the most efficient way to find a match is to be who you are, without apology, and hope that your date is doing the same.
This is the part of the advice column where I start stacking chairs and mopping the floors. But before you go, I hope you'll subscribe to my newsletter! C'mon, give your inbox a little weekly treat — it's free!
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