"He is now married with three children. Part of me wants to tell him how sorry I am for being such a jerk when he was always so kind and good to me. Deep down I always wonder: 'What if?'"View Entire Post ›
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Dear Stephen,
So... my husband and I have been married for 10 years (together for 15). I don’t think either of us is madly in love anymore, but we’re amicable and love being parents to our daughter. Before getting married, I had a very serious boyfriend in university. We loved each other deeply, but we were very young at the time and I broke it off because I knew if I didn’t, we’d probably get married and I wasn’t ready to settle down. It was very difficult for him, and we remained friends, but eventually drifted as we each tried to move on.
Maybe 10 years ago, long after we had broken up, he wrote me a beautiful letter just to say how much I meant to him. It felt like it was something he needed to say so he could finally let me go. Shamefully, I couldn’t bring myself to read it then, and didn’t acknowledge it or respond. I finally found and read it a year ago and it made me feel so sad to know that he had put so much time and heart into this letter, and I just ignored it.
He is now married with three children. Part of me wants to tell him how sorry I am for being such an asshole when he was always so kind and good to me. In truth, deep down I always wonder “what if” we never broke up so this is probably a terrible idea. Amiright?
-Feeling Nostalgic
Dear Feeling Nostalgic,
Youareright, sorry. Reaching out is a bad idea. It sounds like you already know that, and are just looking for some solid evidence to confirm your hunch, which I am happy to provide.
Exhibit A: If I’m understanding the timeline correctly, you were either just married or about to be married when you received this letter. That would be a strange time to exchange lengthy, nostalgic messages with an ex. You were focused on your marriage, and rightly so.
Exhibit B: Your ex probably did not interpret malice or indifference from your lack of response. Or, at least, he shouldn’t have interpreted it that way if he’s a remotely reasonable person. He would hopefully understand that sending an intense, emotionally charged letter to an ex may not yield a response — not because you want him to kick rocks, but because you were not in a place to be having that conversation.
Exhibit C: I suspect that not replying may have been the best thing for him. He was struggling to move on. Engaging in a back-and-forth might’ve kept a glimmer of hope alive. Not responding gave him the clarity he needed to let go.
Exhibit D: This is the most important one: It sounds like the reason you’d reach out now is because you’re feeling a little detached from your marriage, and you’re having those “what if?” questions. So I suspect that reaching out would be less about closure, and more about seeing if there’s something you can reignite.
Exhibit E: Okay, I lied, THIS is the most important one: You are both married with children.
I rest my case. Don’t reach out. Instead, put your energy into seeing if you can get your marriage back on track. If there’s still a connection between you and a shared joy in raising your daughter, that’s worth giving everything you’ve got. Good luck.
Dear Stephen,
I am a gay man about to be 24 and I have never been in a relationship, and honestly I am starting to feel pathetic. It’s not for lack of trying. None of the dating apps have worked out for me. I’m not the most social butterfly out there. I don’t drink, so I don’t go to the bars. The only place I meet new men is at my job but they’re all either straight or divas.
There’ve been two guys I’ve confessed feelings for and they hurt me pretty badly, and since then I’ve been left wanting love but not knowing where to find it or if it’s ever coming. How should I be putting myself out there? And how do I get over the fear of opening up again?
-An Introverted Guy
Dear Introverted Guy,
To answer your first question: Get back on the apps. You say they haven’t worked out, but my dear boy, you are only 24 years old. That is the same age as a baby (complimentary). The fact that you have not found your person yet is less because the apps don’t work, and more because you are at an age where so many people have not yet found their person.
I see dating apps as an introvert’s dream. They’re a Rolodex of basically every single guy in your city, and the act of matching with them gives you built-in assurance that they’re interested before you even say hello. You can describe exactly what you’re looking for on your profile, you get to message in a low-stakes way to see if you might be a match before meeting, you can google the shit out of them to make sure they’re not a serial killer, etc.
I know I’m probably supposed to be giving advice like “join a club!” or “volunteer at a local queer organization!” and those are good tips in theory, but if you’re a true introvert like me, you won’t do them. You know what you will do? Download an app from the comfort of your couch.
So yeah, I am decidedly pro dating apps for introverts. Try not to take them too seriously, or tie up your self-worth in how many matches you get. Let the occasional asshole or weirdo roll off your back. Have a sense of humor about it all. Finding the right person can take some time, so approach it all with an energy you can sustain for the long haul.
And then, to answer your second question: How do you get over the fear of opening up after getting your heart broken? Get your heart broken again. Unfortunately, I’m serious. Heartbreak is the cost of doing romantic business. Sometimes you’ll learn valuable lessons from it, sometimes it’ll just ruin your life for a few months for no good reason. But you always get over it. I swear.
DRAWING BREAK!
Speaking of dating, here's a drawing I did of two fish in love:
For more drawings, follow me on Instagram. Back to the advice...
Dear Stephen,
I have been dating my boyfriend since last fall. For Christmas one of the gifts he gave me was a sweater. He told me he bought it last year for his ex-gf but never gave it to her because they broke up right after. Honestly, I like the sweater, lol. He gave me other gifts as well. Is it weird that he gave me the sweater/is it weird that I might actually wear it?
-Sweating Over A Sweater
Dear Sweating,
Sure, it’s a little weird! But you don’t sound too bothered by it, and I don’t see why I should make you feel bothered by it. Weird can be good, so long as you’re on the same page about it. There are enough problems in this world without manufacturing new ones for no reason.
Maybe you’re both just practical people who don’t want a good sweater collecting dust. You like it. You’re tempted to wear it. So wear it. Go forth and be weird.
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