It seems like we are “treated” to a regular stream of news about adults who had sexual contact with minors. In most cases, it was with a teenager rather than a pre-pubescent child. Often these rapists and would-be-rapists are lumped together under the term “pedophile,” which is satisfying to yell at someone you abhor, I suppose, but it’s not accurate. 

Google tells me there are two technical terms for this: hebephilia (attraction to children in early adolescence) and ephebophilia (attracted to children in late adolescence). These terms don’t exactly roll off the tongue, which means they aren’t going to catch on. 

Maybe this is pedantic, but it irks me when pedophilia is used in reference to rapey adults who are still rapey but didn’t rape pre-pubescent children. I believe there’s a moral distinction that can and should be made between an adult who raped a nine-year-old versus an adult who manipulated a teenager into having sex that teenager was not emotionally mature enough to consent to meaningfully. Both are fucked up things to do, but they’re not equally fucked up. 

Am I crazy to notice this? Should I point this out to people?

— Pointing Errant Definitions Out

You’re not crazy to notice, PEDO, and you wouldn’t be the first to point it out, but before you start posting about this to social media…

Let’s zoom out: A “pedophile” is someone who is sexually attracted to pre-pubescent children, a “hebephile” is someone who is attracted to pubescent minors (11 to 14), and an “ephebophile” is someone who’s attracted to older adolescents (15 to 19). But these distinctions — most often made by therapists and prosecutors — are unlikely to catch on with the general public.

Now, I believe a meaningful moral distinction can be made between someone who raped a nine-year-old child and someone who may have manipulated a sexually-if-not-emotionally-mature teenager under the age of consent into having sex. Both are crimes — but they’re not the same crime. But I don’t believe a moral distinction can be made between an adult who raped a nine-year-old child and an adult who raped an eleven-year-old child. Those are the exact same crimes.

Zooming back in: While you’re technically correct, PEDO, someone who jumps in with a “well, actually…” about child rape — even to make a legitimate point — risks sounding like they’re making #NotAllPedophiles excuses for sex offenders. 

So, while the term “pedophile” gets slapped on the serial rapists of pre-pubescent children, people who fucked (or got fucked by) a teenager who was under the age of consent in the state where it happened but over the age of consent one state over, and grown-ass adults in their mid-30s dating grown-ass adults in their early 20s alike, it’s almost impossible to make people see why this “lumping in” is harmful.

Having to ask what kind of pedophilia we’re talking about when we see it in a headline — Did someone rape a child? Did a 19-year-old sleep with a 17-year-old? Did someone in their early 40s marry someone in their late 20s? — isn’t helpful. “Meaning follows usage,” as the linguists say, but the effort to make age-gap relationships seem more awful by associating them with a sexual interest in children may be making pedophilia seem less awful by associating it with something that — in most cases — isn’t actually awful at all.

Anyway, PEDO, you can try to educate people on this topic, if you’re so inclined. But be prepared: No one likes the guy who insists on accurate terminology when the topic is child rape. You’re right — but no one cares. And if you push too hard, PEDO, people are going to start wondering why you care so much. 

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